"If life could give me a chance, I'll want to travel back to the start of year 3 and start again. Relive the happy moments. Mend the regrets."

Firstly, I would keep myself away from the year 1s in 2010. Despite all the unique experiences and memories, I still regretted making that choice. 1 whole year absent from my beloved level I really shouldn't have done it. I needed more time with M10305. I could've done so much more things when the year 3 classrooms are all isolated in that block of its own world. I could've played less netball but rather soccer instead.

Secondly, I would drop Astronomy CCA and party with the guys and girls after CCA every Friday. The prime moment of life where youthful teenagers are exploring the consumerism world out there. Yet, I was stuck in school.

I would have taken 198 everyday (assuming I don't take 196 with the rest) if I could. And I would have begged my mom to not fetch me to school. I'll wake up and go to school at like 6+am everyday to prove that I can actually wake up early and then it'll just go on that way.

I would have gotten into anime and kpop earlier like right at the start of year 3 (especially kpop since people are actually still hyped up about it then and music were way better than it is now generally). I wouldn't feel so lonely then. I would have sang and danced crazily without care instead of reserving myself for god knows what reason.

Moving into year 5, I would not have taken chemistry honours and I should have found my way into architecture earlier. But okay I guess there's nothing much I can talk about regarding this.

I would have volunteered more over just the Jacob Ballas Children's Garden thing and meet all sorts of people. Be it for sports events or in the community, school CIPS or YFC, I should've done it for a truthful cause instead of just making my youth rot away like that.

Finally and most importantly, I wonder if you still remembered Fibo's act for 2010 Orientation. Perhaps I didn't do a good job since I am not that talented really. And yeah I'm certainly not that attractive. But really, if only I did something there and then. Give me a chance to go back in time; I will want to know you better from that day onwards. That day and that scene that's shining so brightly at the back of my mind. I made the wrong choice. I was a shy useless piece of soul. Now I'm here not knowing what to do.

"Worrying about rejection may be the same as rejecting yourself." - Kaga Koko (Golden time ep4)

You kept dropping hints. You led me on. And so now I know. That it's kind of like a sin. And I'll have to be gone. Because it's impossible future and now.

Life is unfair. Our backgrounds, circumstances and everything puts us all on a different starting line as everyone else. Luck. Or just fate. How can our life be transformed then? What others get easily will be what we will take forever to find. But still life has to go on and it's either we move on, escape or remain at status quo. This feeling of not being provided anything from the start. It hurts. But it's also a challenge. Like what doesn't kill it makes it stronger. I guess we just have to bear with it.

Alright. So let me see what exactly happened for my piano exam today.

1. I was later than 30 minutes earlier and arrived only 5 minutes before going for the exam. =w=
2. I had time to breathe at least. But no time to calm down and think rationally.
3. I don't remember how grade 3 was like but I don't remember it being so rushed. Today's exam was horribly rushed. I'm suspecting it's only because of this examiner.
4. I almost had no serious mistake in scales but chromatic damn! Of all sorts of scales, I wouldn't expect chromatic to be the one to fail pffttt. -.-
5. Life decides to troll me by making me happy at the start with my Baroque/classical piece. The piece that I was worried for the most, there were no serious mistakes (Or was it cause my expectations were low? Hmphhhh). And then I see myself screwing up the songs that I usually perform better. My jazz omg I wanna cry right now. My romantic piece had some hiccups too. ;-;
6. My sight reading was surprising an easy piece with 1 flat and easy coordination. Thought I could have done better with an easy piece but mehhh. Still better than usual.
7. Then life decides to screw me over by giving me a tough oral. I can't even hear the melody for singing well. D:
8. So basically as I have realized, for every section, I screwed up at the usually better parts and I did surprisingly confidently for the presumably tougher parts. X.X Which is something which blew my mind and distracted me for like the 2nd half of the examination.
9. In conclusion, I'm praying for a pass. Only. Or was it called merit? Ahhhh whatever you get my point.
10. More importantly, TIME TO GO BACK TO RHYTHM AND RAG HELLL YEAHHHHHHH.

Sometimes I wonder, the reason why I don't get to spend time with you. Is it due to fate? Or is it because I just don't dare to call you out? I didn't even dare to ask you out for a simple lunch during my entire month there. And then there I see myself getting jealous now at how others are pulling bringing you around to experience life. It hurts.

This week has been a really bad week for me. Well it just shows how bad it is considering today's only the 2nd official day of the week (well in fact the month of July too but let's just hope that it doesn't drag for that long). Haiz. Well I guess it started with a lovely dream (as in a real sleep kind of dream) but it only turned out to be a horrible expectation that has led to misery. And then when I woke up yesterday, so much havoc and insecurities just came and I just couldn't handle it. Especially since it coincides with the 1st day of school. I don't even know if I should smile for granted anymore. And then there's all the SSC work that's due in 3 days time but still 40% undone. Worse still, I don't get why Mr Lim wants to find me outside the GO at 10am today but seriously it makes me awfully anxious for me to wait here like this. Being released out of English 45 minutes earlier didn't help much in soothing this awful sensation. Gosh my emotions are bursting now seriously. Ohhhh and yeah, I can't believe I actually left my mobile phone at home today I feel so handicapped now. And then tonight, just when I had the drive the do something at home, there's that SEP briefing and my piano practice at 8+pm. Damn, everything that could go wrong went wrong. Murphy's law. It hurts. And I hope it ends soon. I need a miracle.

PS. Ranting in progress.

I don't deserve to be close to you. I take your kindness to me for granted and now, this is what I do to you. It hurts. Less for the enlightened you but for me, it hurts really. While others can give you the slightly superficial love, I don't even have the right to judge after what I've done (or rather am going to do). What's the point of my blogpost a few days back? 3 more days. It doesn't even matter anymore. For the message of my love and infatuation isn't even sent directly to you. I won't even be there to celebrate. What more can I ask for? Im sorry. :3

Ahhhhhhh. I feel so stupid right now!;-; Here are my SAT scores:

• Critical reading - 610/800
• Math - 780/800 (Why no full marks?;-;)
• Writing - 560/800
• Essay 8/12 (I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW AND WHY)

Okay so yeah. Things is, as I have just told someone, I'm sad but not because my score's low. After all, my expectations weren't that high to begin with. I'm sad (actually more of distressed than sad) because I don't really know how and in what way shall I practice to improve. X.X I think I really need someone to help me or mug with me to improve on my grammar and vocabulary. OnO

On a side note, I guess I'm just left with one last chance to take this (which will be my 2nd time heh) so yeah. If I still don't do well, I guess I'll just stay in NUS then. =P But on a serious note, this is kinda more of like a challenge for me. It's like a challenge where I wanna do well. Like how a certain someone said, "The feeling where you know how to do everything and think that everything's easy after walking out of the exam hall. Only to stare at that shitty score after getting it weeks later." The challenge is, I really don't want to get this feeling ever again.

And hey. I prepared okay. I mugged. Not like a certain somebody!:3 Lol jkjk. =P Guess I'll just have to mug more and mug smart. )=

Do you remember at this point of time last year, how much fun we had at all sorts of secret bases? The memories of overnight noodles. Of clicking tiles both physical or virtual. And the never ending chains of OPs and EDs. The fun times spent practicing and all. Does anyone still remember them? Well probably it's the most vivid in my mind since I was the one with the most risk and all. Smashing gates, being a refugee and acting like a ninja in front of CCTV cameras. How will I ever forgot those days? In contrast to me right now, on a typical 2+am, amidst the silence, typing away on my own. Or perhaps you, watching the shows in isolation in some corner of your room. Things have changed.

8 more days. And that day was special too, how our session of balls kicking was happier than any other session throughout the year. When the orange evening sky melted upon us as though it's a blessing and so that there'll be no other intruders disturbing us. Does anyone still remember? It was one of the happier days last year I suppose. But then again, it was unexpectedly depressing for me as I look back now. How it marks my break of connection from you guys. The best memories all thrown into what's called the past. Only for me to reminisce on anniversaries like this.

That summer coloured miracle that I'll never forget.

A wishful pursuit of an infatuation in time

 

With the blessing of your fresh pair of eyes,

Ironic how it blinds my future, my sights.

Lost amidst the music that brings in the dreams,

During the night when the yearning begins.

 

Got no clue of what you really see,

On the verge of anxiety, you put me.

Over this thing that was never mine,

Sinful acts that would really make me cry.

Enter a name that fits in this line.

 

Clinging to that hope for a miracle,

Happy honestly with the way things are.

As I patiently wait for nothing again,

Someday who knows what will change.

Ending not as a wild goose chase.

I am useless.
I am dispensable.
I am nothing.

Which means. My involvement in everything that I do actually doesnt matter if I werent there. How nice. Be it a meal, a work, a hangout, a project or a conversation.

People always asks me what I want and if I want. But no it doesnt work that way. If I even mattered, you would want me instead so much so that I dont even need to make a choice.

In conclusion, I am just an arrogant bastard. And a social failure too.

Im writing this here to indirectly hope that people will see it. Idk really but it's probably just an insensitive rant of mine. Apologies. Then again, I guess I only had the confidence to post it here since I thought there's probably no one who will visit my blog so ohhh well.

And so it goes. I feel sad. Food's like the thing that makes people most happy. And it's just in my luck that no one ever invites me to enjoy (specifically) posh food. Idk why. Thinking about it, I have to say that I might be blessed with people jio-ing me for movies, outings, pool and other stuff but with regards to food. ;-; It's depressing how everytime, when I'm out having lunch/dinner with others, the timing's always wrong. It's always either fast food, finger food or kopitiam food. Never ever at restaurants where exploration, excitement, enjoyment of food in return for the pain of spending is at it's maximum. And when jio-ing always takes place somehow, Im never in the loop and not to mention left out. This makes me disgracefully jealous. Maybe people just think that I'm horribly poor. Either that or maybe Ive ruined the peaceful meals of too many people. But really. If not that then is it just coincidence? Not to mention how I think I have forcefully made myself join one particular meal which subsequently became so awkward. Could that also be the reason (Lol your action that led to a consequence of my action which led to an even worse consequence)? It's weird how I (think I) have cliques that will jio me out for all sorts of activities but not a single one for such meals. It hurts. Naively.

PS. Note to self. Im so gonna lose a big chunk of my social standing if someone were to see this. ;-;
PS2. And no. I DONT need a treat to need food. Nor do I know how to express my friendship in the form of such jokes. I hate it really. We all know money cant buy happiness. But really, if I could, I'd spend twice the money to exchange for an experience. In fact no, I'd spend thrice the money to exchange for a true experience. And yet again. NAIVE.

"Surprisingly, perfectionists are often procrastinators, as they can tend to think *I don't have the right skills or resources to do this perfectly now, so I won't do it at all.*" :D

A perfect description of my personality and habits from an ex-classmate of mine. I deeply appreciated that. NUSH teachers WHY U NO understand me?;-;

Summary of this week:

Monday: Sucks. ;-;
Tuesday: Sucks. D:
Wednesday: Sucks. -.-
Thursday: Tired. But good. :D
Friday: Hopeful that tomorrow shall be a good day but the chances are slim. Ohh well. X.X

Sobbsobb. My laptop crashed literally and now the harddisk is screwed. There goes all my important data that has been collected intensively for the past 9 months. D: Let see what precious things I've lost:

• SMP complete database
• NJRC presentation slides
• MPP complete database
• Application forms
• Updated data of 2011 (Which includes all projects, presentations and reports)
• Updated conversations 
• Seattle globe cafe design competition

Luckily, I backed up all my DSLR photos already or else I would rly cry to death. =X To come to look at it now, I guess it's still quite okay to lose most of the things inside except for some very important data. Like my application forms, advocacy speech and conversations. Which reminds me, this friggin problem had made me feel so lifeless for the past 2 days that I dont even have any mood to start on any work, especially the advocacy speech. Gosh. ):


Is this plain procrastination? Or is it a signal for me to stop and rethink? No time to waste.

I gave my physics O notes away. I gave my physics O assignment away. My assignment is due in 2 days time. I am gonna have a test in 2 days time. I am not Byorn Tan. Rotational motion is tough. I am not not good at rotation motion. Fml.