"...But one day, I suddenly wondered, "Why?". Why did he seem so happy having dinner with me?
Maybe I'm being self-conscious, but... I felt like Yanagisawa Mitsuo saw me as something really valuable. I guess it was kind of scary. Well, I couldn't tell what about me he was interested in. If it was a fantasy, a misunderstanding, or an assumption... And I don't think I've shown him enough of my personality for him to be interested in me. Besides, I don't want him to think he knows me after spending so little time with me. So, I thought I'd keep my distance for a while." - Linda (Golden Time ep19)

Lately over this week, I kinda pondered about this too. And coincidentally, I got to watch this episode over my book out this time. :3 Somehow, it's weird how I've never empathized how unusual things are. Worse still, even for myself, I never really noticed how I couldn't control my actions, emotions and intentions. I guess it's partly because the people that I hang out and chat with are all guys so I've used the same way to converse with this time without thinking twice. Really though, I want to know you better as a friend. Honestly with no ill intents! But since circumstances doesn't allow for that, I just cannot do anything about it. So yeah. It's time to grow up. I have all the time I need in life so I'll take it slow. While I let fate and affinity decide. :|

AHHHHHHHHHHH. THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL'S OVER JUST LIKE THAT. ;____________;

Sadness, memories, smiles and photos are floating in the airrrrrr.

Yeah. Hmph. Okay so well I don't really know what to say know so I suppose I shall start by reimagining my 1st day of school at NUSH and Matriculation day for the fun of it. =P

Matriculation day. Nothing much. I recall going to class and feeling that the journey towards class was actually rather awesome. Like walking through columns of a castle/dungeon. Think about it. From audi to E block tip lehhhhh. It's long and complicated. Yeah. Ohhohh and the staircase from concourse till canteen was pretty scary to me cause below 3rd floor, everything felt like a different world to me at that time. Yeah. Then in class, I naturally acquainted myself 1st with Zong yao and Yi an. Idk why exactly actually but I think they looked rather cool maybe. Hahas. And I remember sitting beside the corridor window near the front door. But that's pretty much it opps. Not many images in mind.

1st day of school in NUSH. The clearest picture in mind: Learning of school song. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. I don't even remember my first person I talked to and got close with (most likely Zong yao or Yi an again). I remember how I 1st talked to Zheng wei though. Rubik's on the 2nd day or something. =P Ohhhh and before school, the scene of me in the car on the way to school's perfectly fresh in my mind. But yeah that's it opps. Hahas. I guess I was rather blur then.

Then, out of nowhere, today came. Just like that. Bittersweet meh. Butterscotch. Okay idk why that came into my mind. Erm. Okay. Moving on to today. :B

Today was rather plain at first. Morning assembly on the track was weird, not really cool, but still memorable. Then spending time with class. First time playing bridge/cards with 08 in 2 years wow. Then randomly throwing Frisbees around. =P Got bored eventually and went up to 05. As usual, it's always so crowded and bustling with activity. Jealous max teehee. Sat in for FA party. And then played soccer a bit. And then Media farewell. And then bowling. Ahhhh bowling was nice. Long time since we spent money together like this hah. But I suck ohhhh well. And then soccer at opposite school like last year. Challenged with some neighbourhood kias and played till 7pm. Funnnnnn. xD But hey, noticed how I didn't really mention anything about last day?:3 Yeah. It doesn't feel like last day at all. It feels just like any other year 4 hangout day. If only, life like this can continue longer. Through NS, through uni and through life. Even after we all got new friends and soulmates. Mehhhhh. Okay childish thoughts ignore that. Main thing for me is, I'm glad that last day isn't a day with negative occurrences. Let's just hope that people will remember this day for long. And life will go on.

Gosh I typed too much. Pfftttt. But I still wanna continue typing ahahahahahs. Okay last segment. I kind of just wanna list out the physical things that has changed over the years in NUSH so yeah. Here goes:

• Open space outside E block 4th floor (No centre classrooms)
• Brown curtains in every class
• Giant trapezium tables in class
• Brown gigantic golden ratio spiral model
• Chemistry pillar stuff at concourse
• Empty 6th floor with locked toilets
• Shotput round gates on track
• Futsal gate on track
• Blue coloured ground at netball court
• Metal canteen tables
• Wooden staff room consultation tables
• Green and yellow ceiling colours at concourse
• Amphitheatre without shelter
• Hall without aircon
• Yellow coloured paint for hall
• Design and innovation wall at D block water feature
• Old dry lab
• Random rock slope beside water feature (Current dry lab)
• Table tennis corners all over school (outside food science lab, outside hall, beside concourse staircase)
• Locker rental beside concourse staircase
• Turnstile with gate and shelter to bus stop
• Old GO without glass panels
• Non-existent Annex office
• Non-existent student lounge
• Non-existent house rooms and gyms (giant storage for random items)
• All changes to canteen/bookshops/vending machine food
• All changes to wall paintings/design
• All changes to hostel

So yeah that's it. Byeeeeeee!~(:

PS. I didn't take any photos using my camera. 1 cause GalaxyS2's camera sucks. 2 cause I don't really like taking photos hah. True friendship, memories and future contacts are more important imo. ;)

Actually, it's pretty sweet if both were together. Beautifully cute hahahas. I wonder what exactly happened 2 years ago though opps. It always seem like there's nothing in common and like one party's avoiding the other but heyyyyy. Something could happen who knows. At least there's positivity floating in the air. Unlike my situation. (:

PS. And it's wayyyyy better than the other try hard one mehhhh. Nightmareeee. ;)
PS2. It's okay I'll move on. :3

I am a pretty fortunate guy this time. I settled my biggest loads of stress like - FA rehearsals, Prom costume, DSTA presentation sharing, Internship interview and URA scholarship. I have only university application left and worse case, I can always push it back to next year albeit the additional problems which will arrive from that. I guess I kind of gave up on my silent crush too. I really want to know you better but I guess the time and fate is not right. Despite all the similarities, it is ultimately still the actual flow of interaction that matters. So yeah. Ohhhh yeah and I got jealous so it hurts. :/

And with all these personal pressures off my mind, I can finally wholeheartedly dedicate to my family. Without any distraction or compromises. I need to serve and sacrifice. For the sake of love. ;-;

2008: Curiosity and Empathy
2009: Fear and Religion
2010: Bond and Dedication
2011: Fun and Adventure
2012: Solitude and Friendship
2013: Fate and Initiative

Every year I learn something new. It's as though there's a theme. Where the encompassing memories all coincide to these exact phrases. My 6 years in high school. (:

There has got to be a way for us to meet right? There must be. Our paths have crossed so many times already. There's should be another occurrence for me to work something out right. I wish.

"If life could give me a chance, I'll want to travel back to the start of year 3 and start again. Relive the happy moments. Mend the regrets."

Firstly, I would keep myself away from the year 1s in 2010. Despite all the unique experiences and memories, I still regretted making that choice. 1 whole year absent from my beloved level I really shouldn't have done it. I needed more time with M10305. I could've done so much more things when the year 3 classrooms are all isolated in that block of its own world. I could've played less netball but rather soccer instead.

Secondly, I would drop Astronomy CCA and party with the guys and girls after CCA every Friday. The prime moment of life where youthful teenagers are exploring the consumerism world out there. Yet, I was stuck in school.

I would have taken 198 everyday (assuming I don't take 196 with the rest) if I could. And I would have begged my mom to not fetch me to school. I'll wake up and go to school at like 6+am everyday to prove that I can actually wake up early and then it'll just go on that way.

I would have gotten into anime and kpop earlier like right at the start of year 3 (especially kpop since people are actually still hyped up about it then and music were way better than it is now generally). I wouldn't feel so lonely then. I would have sang and danced crazily without care instead of reserving myself for god knows what reason.

Moving into year 5, I would not have taken chemistry honours and I should have found my way into architecture earlier. But okay I guess there's nothing much I can talk about regarding this.

I would have volunteered more over just the Jacob Ballas Children's Garden thing and meet all sorts of people. Be it for sports events or in the community, school CIPS or YFC, I should've done it for a truthful cause instead of just making my youth rot away like that.

Finally and most importantly, I wonder if you still remembered Fibo's act for 2010 Orientation. Perhaps I didn't do a good job since I am not that talented really. And yeah I'm certainly not that attractive. But really, if only I did something there and then. Give me a chance to go back in time; I will want to know you better from that day onwards. That day and that scene that's shining so brightly at the back of my mind. I made the wrong choice. I was a shy useless piece of soul. Now I'm here not knowing what to do.

Selfishly speaking, yesterday was a really happy day for me. There was FA with a relatively good dry run with Dr Dewey. There was a new experience at a hotel restaurant's buffet. And most importantly, I guess Im getting a chance to get to know you better. Today's a lovely day but Im seriously making too much regrets for me to handle. I didnt want to sleep so fast but I did. I didnt bring my Breaking Ground book today. And most importantly, I didnt rush fast enough for whatever the thing it is that I really wanted to do. I dont wanna regret anything anymore today. But I still have no idea what Im going to do. For you.

"Worrying about rejection may be the same as rejecting yourself." - Kaga Koko (Golden time ep4)

I tried to achieve so many things. Or perhaps, too many things. But now, there's only 1 thing left which I really want to strive in. Because of your reassurance to me. And though that does not mean anything more than that at all, I'm going to persist on for just this 1 thing. Till I finally get my service and expertise to offer. So that I can respect myself. And prove that I'm worthy for at least this 1 thing. For you to appreciate as well.

My largest goal in life is to achieve that vision in mind.
My second goal in life is to improve till I'm worthy without doubt.
My final goal in life is to seek for that stability that is all against entropy.

Even if things will never be the same. That state of trance. I shall explore how it feels like to be there.

Here I am crying right now. The only thing in my live that's worth me tearing for. Time flows. The souls that passes by the same physical world changes all the time. Yet, in this case, there's that 1 person who will always be around. Loneliness. It's bittersweet. And then I began to look at my journey. My very 1st drop of tear for this was 5 years ago. It's was of sorrow and a bit of frustration I guess. But never have I ever felt this sensation of preciousness, love and being wronged. But that was then. I guess it's a blessing in disguise. I was then brought into this family of a wacky guy, a stern, strict and plump guy, a cool carefree guy, a mature lady and a cute lively girl. I guess my freak experience in the first few months kind of indirectly gave me the drive to work hard for the next few years. I don't even remember why I fought so hard but it was all worth it. There was fear. There was egoism. There was respect. There was desperation. But through it all, I grew and eventually, all went away (well other than respect). It was supposed to feel like an achievement, a moment of happiness, a pinnacle but no it wasn't. It's pretty much entirely opposite. For everyone I guess, by the time we reach there, what is felt would be loneliness. And for me, I was alone. All the familiar things are gone, while I am surviving here, the strong person I am thanks to them. And in comes the 2nd chapter of my journey. The 1st part was already worth me crying so very much and now, I don't really know what's in place for the 2nd. New faces appeared. I treat them like my jewels, my precious assets and my everything. All the problems that was faced. The wrong approaches. The insufficient commitment. The inevitable mistakes. It all become part of the memory. And then as I am relatively static, I see them grow. And we're all in this together. Not in a state of over attachment too. Just meeting twice per month. And then, now I see them as happy soul at the surface, at least. I still don't really know how they feel deep down but I'm empathizing now. And with a few months left, all that I hope for would be the genuine smiles. And then I'll miss this place happily.

Every year, every month, every week and even every day, our personalities will change. In accordance to the things that happen to us at any point of time. Sometimes, we will be more mature, a little reserved or shy, tainted, scheming and sly, or even scarred by fear and chained from a carefree life. Humans change, souls change, behaviours change. Things will never stay the same. Just as Nagisa once said, "Fun things... Happy things... They can't all possibly stay unchanged. Even so, can you go on loving this place?" That for place and now for people.

 

Thing is, do we still remember at which point of time did we change in what way? Apart from the happy reminiscing and nostalgia. Were there any things which we regret gravely? Events that have scarred us all the way till present times? Tragedies that we rather forget but have yet to face it without fear? Personalities which we do not wish to reveal at all to our current friends? All this knots, when untied, ironically, it will make bonds come together stronger. With true understanding, empathy and assistance. Stronger bonds within the relationships of our present times. 

Kokoroco has been occupying my heart this few hours. So yeah. I don't really have much life content to talk about. Loads of philosophical thoughts from Kokoroco though but I can't possibly write it here so yeah. Friendship the only thing in my mind these hours. It's sad, depressing and comforting at the same time. Halfway through the show. Let's see what happens then. (':

"I learned to adopt a persona. One that fits his preferences. I was careful not to do anything that would make him angry. If I behaved like this or did that, he wouldn't get mad. He might even praise me. I changed my tastes to match. Ever since, I've been switching between personas. Live your own life. Those words left me stunned. What did I like? What did I want to do? After spending most of my life trying to live as someone else wanted. I'd apparently forgotten who I was. So I decided to just pick appropriate personas based on the situation. Ironically enough, I prided myself on being able to guess what other people wanted. But I've started to lose my touch. Then maybe, eventually, I'll just fade away." - Iori Nagase (Kokoro connect)

I've not been watching overdue animes lately. Which basically means the better animes. The last 2 were Jinrui and Shinsekai. Both were really good for me. Especially Shinsekai. But now, I guess, Kokoro connect introduces some really heart wrenching and heartwarming aspects too. 4/17 I'm prepared for better things to come. And at the meantime, reflect about life. (:

一厢情愿 basically means that someone's blind, naïve, stupid and gg fail kenna friendzoned by someone who cruelly rejects a persistent 1-sided love. It's pretty sad isn't it? And as the meme says, let's have a moment of silence for our comrades in the 一厢情愿. :3 Ohhohhohh and I think of you. Your story was sad really. ;-; I guess I can empathize with that feeling. :/

NUSH is where magic does not prevail. An illusion is written off as being different. Like a hippie. Instantly all possibilities of negativity are what comes into mind first. Instead of inspirations, visionary and dreams. At all levels of the entire population, fears of mistake linger everywhere. Nothing happens until after a prolonged amount of time. Be it waiting, verifying, experimenting or simply dismissing. Experimenting, not the analysis of outcomes, but instead, the awaiting of errors and problems. Proactivity on security over spirits. Reactivity in a jiffy. Without a chance of expression, for identity and creativity. Lack of identity, lack of individuality. That's why partnership never worked. A hundred men working on the same thing is called labour if intellect's compromised. But when intelligence clashes, a hundred men's common work becomes a debate. The argument that leads to nowhere. A project of creation requires a myriad of expertise. Of course. But nope it doesn't work here. And right here and now we have this mundane life. Where booths and games are eternally reduced, reused and recycled. Brains are switched off. Or more like, packed deep into a rectangular sardine can. Never to be revived again. May this place where my dreams will never come through continue. Well it's depressing how the pattern goes. Into the capitalistic world. It's where people are evil but when things are made possible. A choice without a choice. I guess I'll go. And not waste my remaining 4 months being depressed over this. We'll all leave. Not into liberation but hey. Let's just say it'll be a darker cave of bats, worms and vipers, stalactites, coldness and jewels.

Life is unfair. Our backgrounds, circumstances and everything puts us all on a different starting line as everyone else. Luck. Or just fate. How can our life be transformed then? What others get easily will be what we will take forever to find. But still life has to go on and it's either we move on, escape or remain at status quo. This feeling of not being provided anything from the start. It hurts. But it's also a challenge. Like what doesn't kill it makes it stronger. I guess we just have to bear with it.

I finally realized the thing that has always been missing from my heart. I need the feeling of family in my life, something that I have never really had (well that's assuming if you ignore the broken families and poor orphans all around the world). I think I need something stable in my life. Like something which I know will always be there for me no matter what happens and no matter what I do. Someone who will still be by my side even if I don't entertain with fun, joy, presence and laughter. Well it's not that I am so lazy to not want to entertain but it's more of like how I perceive relationships as a whole. If I have to please someone so much to get that person's presence, then probably that just means that the fate of the friendship's non-existent. Well then again, all these are just naïve thoughts of mine though. After all, the world out there's so pragmatic, objective and unsentimental. And what I need, is probably something like a dog I guess.

 

PS. Well here's the selfish truth. I'm like Barfi. The simplest perquisite that I want to see, is someone sacrificing for me. And so I will know that he will be there in body and in mind. Amidst boredom and excitement, sadness and joy.

I don't seem to have very nice contents to talk about here these days. Weird. Probably it's because of how work is coming in from school. Then again, I guess recently, I'm trying to get into a state of mind where I'm more calm, stable and silent. I realized that recently, I have been reflecting much about the sustainability of my relationships and passions so it got quite scary for me. So much so that I have not been thinking about any other thing much. So yeah, I guess I'm probably going to come up with a plan soon. Like how I intend to maintain my relationships and career interests and all that with only 24 hours a day. Guess I'll need to work till I numb myself ahahahas.