"...But one day, I suddenly wondered, "Why?". Why did he seem so happy having dinner with me?
Maybe I'm being self-conscious, but... I felt like Yanagisawa Mitsuo saw me as something really valuable. I guess it was kind of scary. Well, I couldn't tell what about me he was interested in. If it was a fantasy, a misunderstanding, or an assumption... And I don't think I've shown him enough of my personality for him to be interested in me. Besides, I don't want him to think he knows me after spending so little time with me. So, I thought I'd keep my distance for a while." - Linda (Golden Time ep19)

Lately over this week, I kinda pondered about this too. And coincidentally, I got to watch this episode over my book out this time. :3 Somehow, it's weird how I've never empathized how unusual things are. Worse still, even for myself, I never really noticed how I couldn't control my actions, emotions and intentions. I guess it's partly because the people that I hang out and chat with are all guys so I've used the same way to converse with this time without thinking twice. Really though, I want to know you better as a friend. Honestly with no ill intents! But since circumstances doesn't allow for that, I just cannot do anything about it. So yeah. It's time to grow up. I have all the time I need in life so I'll take it slow. While I let fate and affinity decide. :|

I feel a bit shameless saying it here ahahahas but I kind of think that my emotional well-being and attitude towards relationships is really similar to Kaga Kōko. :3

I don't want to be even more shameless and go on about the specific traits that make me think I'm similar to her. But hey, in summary, I really love her try-hard attitude in love and how she may seem creepy but is actually very soft on the inside. I'm at episode 7 now and loneliness seems to be leaving her gradually so yay! Let's see where the last few episodes will go. ;)

お疲れ様でした and late night project works are the best sensations in my life. That's why I'm putting all my stakes into architecture, building, crafts and design.

Actually, it's pretty sweet if both were together. Beautifully cute hahahas. I wonder what exactly happened 2 years ago though opps. It always seem like there's nothing in common and like one party's avoiding the other but heyyyyy. Something could happen who knows. At least there's positivity floating in the air. Unlike my situation. (:

PS. And it's wayyyyy better than the other try hard one mehhhh. Nightmareeee. ;)
PS2. It's okay I'll move on. :3

The 11 differences between dating a boy vs a man

1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life).  A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.

Seems like I'm not too prepared after all. Hmph. Especially number 11. Meh.

There has got to be a way for us to meet right? There must be. Our paths have crossed so many times already. There's should be another occurrence for me to work something out right. I wish.

"If life could give me a chance, I'll want to travel back to the start of year 3 and start again. Relive the happy moments. Mend the regrets."

Firstly, I would keep myself away from the year 1s in 2010. Despite all the unique experiences and memories, I still regretted making that choice. 1 whole year absent from my beloved level I really shouldn't have done it. I needed more time with M10305. I could've done so much more things when the year 3 classrooms are all isolated in that block of its own world. I could've played less netball but rather soccer instead.

Secondly, I would drop Astronomy CCA and party with the guys and girls after CCA every Friday. The prime moment of life where youthful teenagers are exploring the consumerism world out there. Yet, I was stuck in school.

I would have taken 198 everyday (assuming I don't take 196 with the rest) if I could. And I would have begged my mom to not fetch me to school. I'll wake up and go to school at like 6+am everyday to prove that I can actually wake up early and then it'll just go on that way.

I would have gotten into anime and kpop earlier like right at the start of year 3 (especially kpop since people are actually still hyped up about it then and music were way better than it is now generally). I wouldn't feel so lonely then. I would have sang and danced crazily without care instead of reserving myself for god knows what reason.

Moving into year 5, I would not have taken chemistry honours and I should have found my way into architecture earlier. But okay I guess there's nothing much I can talk about regarding this.

I would have volunteered more over just the Jacob Ballas Children's Garden thing and meet all sorts of people. Be it for sports events or in the community, school CIPS or YFC, I should've done it for a truthful cause instead of just making my youth rot away like that.

Finally and most importantly, I wonder if you still remembered Fibo's act for 2010 Orientation. Perhaps I didn't do a good job since I am not that talented really. And yeah I'm certainly not that attractive. But really, if only I did something there and then. Give me a chance to go back in time; I will want to know you better from that day onwards. That day and that scene that's shining so brightly at the back of my mind. I made the wrong choice. I was a shy useless piece of soul. Now I'm here not knowing what to do.

"Worrying about rejection may be the same as rejecting yourself." - Kaga Koko (Golden time ep4)

Self consciousness. Self reflection. Self analysis. Self criticism. Self understanding. Self appreciation.

I really love how critical you are at so many things. And you're always so delicately balanced between a well-controlled soul and a free-spirited mind.

Even my aesthetic perspective does not allow me to analyse say, http://waterhalo.blogspot.sg/ or http://sendmoremail.blogspot.sg/, to such great depths. I'm really amazed.

And meanwhile, I'm just testing the odds and trying my luck. Since well, it came to me by chance. (:

I tried to achieve so many things. Or perhaps, too many things. But now, there's only 1 thing left which I really want to strive in. Because of your reassurance to me. And though that does not mean anything more than that at all, I'm going to persist on for just this 1 thing. Till I finally get my service and expertise to offer. So that I can respect myself. And prove that I'm worthy for at least this 1 thing. For you to appreciate as well.

Here I am crying right now. The only thing in my live that's worth me tearing for. Time flows. The souls that passes by the same physical world changes all the time. Yet, in this case, there's that 1 person who will always be around. Loneliness. It's bittersweet. And then I began to look at my journey. My very 1st drop of tear for this was 5 years ago. It's was of sorrow and a bit of frustration I guess. But never have I ever felt this sensation of preciousness, love and being wronged. But that was then. I guess it's a blessing in disguise. I was then brought into this family of a wacky guy, a stern, strict and plump guy, a cool carefree guy, a mature lady and a cute lively girl. I guess my freak experience in the first few months kind of indirectly gave me the drive to work hard for the next few years. I don't even remember why I fought so hard but it was all worth it. There was fear. There was egoism. There was respect. There was desperation. But through it all, I grew and eventually, all went away (well other than respect). It was supposed to feel like an achievement, a moment of happiness, a pinnacle but no it wasn't. It's pretty much entirely opposite. For everyone I guess, by the time we reach there, what is felt would be loneliness. And for me, I was alone. All the familiar things are gone, while I am surviving here, the strong person I am thanks to them. And in comes the 2nd chapter of my journey. The 1st part was already worth me crying so very much and now, I don't really know what's in place for the 2nd. New faces appeared. I treat them like my jewels, my precious assets and my everything. All the problems that was faced. The wrong approaches. The insufficient commitment. The inevitable mistakes. It all become part of the memory. And then as I am relatively static, I see them grow. And we're all in this together. Not in a state of over attachment too. Just meeting twice per month. And then, now I see them as happy soul at the surface, at least. I still don't really know how they feel deep down but I'm empathizing now. And with a few months left, all that I hope for would be the genuine smiles. And then I'll miss this place happily.

OMGGGGGG I'M SO HAPPY TODAY WHEEEEEEE. I FOLDED THIS POP-UP CARD THING WHICH I ALWAYS DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME TO DO SO TODAY IN ONLY 40 MINS SO YAYYYYYYYY. THERE WERE NO LESSONS TODAY AND I HAD 2 DATES TOO IT'S AWESOMEEEEEEE. OWO

Every year, every month, every week and even every day, our personalities will change. In accordance to the things that happen to us at any point of time. Sometimes, we will be more mature, a little reserved or shy, tainted, scheming and sly, or even scarred by fear and chained from a carefree life. Humans change, souls change, behaviours change. Things will never stay the same. Just as Nagisa once said, "Fun things... Happy things... They can't all possibly stay unchanged. Even so, can you go on loving this place?" That for place and now for people.

 

Thing is, do we still remember at which point of time did we change in what way? Apart from the happy reminiscing and nostalgia. Were there any things which we regret gravely? Events that have scarred us all the way till present times? Tragedies that we rather forget but have yet to face it without fear? Personalities which we do not wish to reveal at all to our current friends? All this knots, when untied, ironically, it will make bonds come together stronger. With true understanding, empathy and assistance. Stronger bonds within the relationships of our present times. 

You kept dropping hints. You led me on. And so now I know. That it's kind of like a sin. And I'll have to be gone. Because it's impossible future and now.

Kokoroco has been occupying my heart this few hours. So yeah. I don't really have much life content to talk about. Loads of philosophical thoughts from Kokoroco though but I can't possibly write it here so yeah. Friendship the only thing in my mind these hours. It's sad, depressing and comforting at the same time. Halfway through the show. Let's see what happens then. (':

一厢情愿 basically means that someone's blind, naïve, stupid and gg fail kenna friendzoned by someone who cruelly rejects a persistent 1-sided love. It's pretty sad isn't it? And as the meme says, let's have a moment of silence for our comrades in the 一厢情愿. :3 Ohhohhohh and I think of you. Your story was sad really. ;-; I guess I can empathize with that feeling. :/

I finally realized the thing that has always been missing from my heart. I need the feeling of family in my life, something that I have never really had (well that's assuming if you ignore the broken families and poor orphans all around the world). I think I need something stable in my life. Like something which I know will always be there for me no matter what happens and no matter what I do. Someone who will still be by my side even if I don't entertain with fun, joy, presence and laughter. Well it's not that I am so lazy to not want to entertain but it's more of like how I perceive relationships as a whole. If I have to please someone so much to get that person's presence, then probably that just means that the fate of the friendship's non-existent. Well then again, all these are just naïve thoughts of mine though. After all, the world out there's so pragmatic, objective and unsentimental. And what I need, is probably something like a dog I guess.

 

PS. Well here's the selfish truth. I'm like Barfi. The simplest perquisite that I want to see, is someone sacrificing for me. And so I will know that he will be there in body and in mind. Amidst boredom and excitement, sadness and joy.

The 3 of my closest bonds that have never changed since then. The kind of infatuation it's like love. Jealousy, misunderstandings and teases. The 3 respective problems that you guys bring. Heartfelt communication, cheeky games and autistic work. The 3 respective gifts that you guys give.
The latter over the former. The memories over the regrets. The white paper over the black dot.

Ahhh. This song's a pretty sentimental song to me. It marks the beginning of orientation and hostel life last year. In fact, it marked the beginning of 2012 for me. And then, this song fits my music taste and vocal range pretty well so yeah I wouldn't really get bored of it. The background instrumentals are sweet hahas. And most importantly, the memory of that night's still fresh as yesterday in my mind. Thate night we spent together. And so, just when I thought that the hype to this song's long over, it's interesting how I happened to look up the lyrics for this song today and realized how applicable it is to my feelings right now. The empathy in words was amazing. Hahas. On a side note, I would spread my love for this if I could. (':

I'm crumbling down right now. And I hope my infatuation can soothe this pain. While I draw. And wait.