Ahhhhhhh. I haven't been for over a month! Gosh. Hahahas. Ohhh well. I have been busy with internship, uni applications, portfolio, Bukit Brown, JSCC Christmas V2/balloon sculpturing, Christmas gift exchanges, Frozen, Escape artist, horrors and wonders hahas. But wow. December passed by really quickly and it's one of the rare months where I can actually visualize my whole journey flying past me. Like the occurrence on each day and each week still stays on my mind like it was just yesterday.

To be frank, I think I will miss Alistair. The 1st day this month when I met him, I guess it was a pleasant surprise. Considering that I saw him at MND's lobby first before formally meeting him upstairs. He then spent 2 weeks of time together with me without any other interns and yeah. I guess we ate, worked and chatted a fair bit. Then 2 girls came in from week 3 onwards and it made everything slightly more lively I guess. Not to mention that we have so many leaves and half-days this months ahahas.

And next week, almost everything will change. Alistair will enter NS. Gladys will join CLC. I will most probably be working less on cycling but more on WCS 2014 prep. Well and for work, I will want to rush a few surveys, groundwork and papers for Empower. There's Chinese New Year. And NS will come immediately after that. There's V2 appreciation BBQ this Sunday. And then there's a major YEC activity too which will be the Edusave cook outs and Edusave funfair so yeah. January's gonna be a busy. I hope I don't overload really and I'm not sure about my social well-being hahas. But nevertheless, everything that I do should be meaningful. :3

Till then!~(:

I am a pretty fortunate guy this time. I settled my biggest loads of stress like - FA rehearsals, Prom costume, DSTA presentation sharing, Internship interview and URA scholarship. I have only university application left and worse case, I can always push it back to next year albeit the additional problems which will arrive from that. I guess I kind of gave up on my silent crush too. I really want to know you better but I guess the time and fate is not right. Despite all the similarities, it is ultimately still the actual flow of interaction that matters. So yeah. Ohhhh yeah and I got jealous so it hurts. :/

And with all these personal pressures off my mind, I can finally wholeheartedly dedicate to my family. Without any distraction or compromises. I need to serve and sacrifice. For the sake of love. ;-;

I hate how I am unable to make proper investments for my arts and craft hobbies. And how I can never get my mind to familiarize with all the technical knowledge. Meh. And now, I'm facing a drilling diameter that's too small problem. A no goggles problem. A drillbit stuck problem. A drill seems too heavy duty for pvc pipes intuition problem. Meh. X.X

Selfishly speaking, yesterday was a really happy day for me. There was FA with a relatively good dry run with Dr Dewey. There was a new experience at a hotel restaurant's buffet. And most importantly, I guess Im getting a chance to get to know you better. Today's a lovely day but Im seriously making too much regrets for me to handle. I didnt want to sleep so fast but I did. I didnt bring my Breaking Ground book today. And most importantly, I didnt rush fast enough for whatever the thing it is that I really wanted to do. I dont wanna regret anything anymore today. But I still have no idea what Im going to do. For you.

I feel soooooo happy for this past week! Doing so many things all at the same time and eventually completing it all. This feeling feels greats. And of course there were sacrifices so it's sad but hey. There's no choice then so now, the only thing left that's right to do will be to work on what was neglected. So yeah. Here goes, the things that I have achieved this week:

• DSA (Saturday)
• Physics tea (Saturday)
• AAP performance (Monday)
• SSC submission and payment (Thursday)
• Green commute in HDB towns submission (Friday)
• Orchestra camp success (Saturday)

So yeah. With that, I've now got 2 extreme states of mind which is the tired side of me and the motivated side of me. And yeah, after a big big rest, these will be the things to be done for the next week:

• Chem overdue assignments
• Un-poppable balloon
• RM games (Virus spy, Netball shooting, Treasure hunt, Trickery)
• NDP marching
• Purchase papier mâché items
• NDay V2 arrangements
• Requesting for letter of rec
• Workspace of the future competition

So yeah. Jiayous me! National Day and Hari Raya blessing this coming week awwww yeahhhhh. OwO

This week's yet another interesting week. It feel like things are starting to get fired up but the engine's not really functioning ahhhh. Like there's no fuel or ignition source or something. So yeah. Last week was the experience of bringing tourists around Singapore. And this week, it's like the productive preparation week. Nothing done on paper modelling and sketching yet but preparations are being done I guess. Left with the materials. X.X Anyways, time is really running very short so I kinda have to buck up a bit. 20 items by November's just crazy. Or I can just settle with NUS or SCI-Arc ahahas. Most importantly now, I am seeking for 3 things. Partnership. Passion. Publicity. Will I succeed?OwO

I don't seem to have very nice contents to talk about here these days. Weird. Probably it's because of how work is coming in from school. Then again, I guess recently, I'm trying to get into a state of mind where I'm more calm, stable and silent. I realized that recently, I have been reflecting much about the sustainability of my relationships and passions so it got quite scary for me. So much so that I have not been thinking about any other thing much. So yeah, I guess I'm probably going to come up with a plan soon. Like how I intend to maintain my relationships and career interests and all that with only 24 hours a day. Guess I'll need to work till I numb myself ahahahas.

I should go back into kpop for a while this season. All the nice groups are having comebacks gosh. =O And talking about seasons, the summer2013 animes are here this week but noooooo I've got no time at all. I haven't even reviewed the list of animes to pick up. :/ Argh. Life's been unexpectedly packed that I can't stand the rush but on the other hand, I am appreciating how occupied I am so it kind of balances off and yeah hahas. SSC ends tomorrow but Kaohsiung starts tomorrow too and when Kaohsiung ends, that's probably when my competition work will start, whereby it will last till 31st July and that's when BGM and Nday comm serv will take place until the end of August. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO DO WORK AND ARTS AND CRAFT OMG. Opps sorry for the sudden rage but yeah. Message sent across. It's going to be a stressful sem so do comfort me yeah?(:

I'm crumbling down right now. And I hope my infatuation can soothe this pain. While I draw. And wait.

This week has been a really bad week for me. Well it just shows how bad it is considering today's only the 2nd official day of the week (well in fact the month of July too but let's just hope that it doesn't drag for that long). Haiz. Well I guess it started with a lovely dream (as in a real sleep kind of dream) but it only turned out to be a horrible expectation that has led to misery. And then when I woke up yesterday, so much havoc and insecurities just came and I just couldn't handle it. Especially since it coincides with the 1st day of school. I don't even know if I should smile for granted anymore. And then there's all the SSC work that's due in 3 days time but still 40% undone. Worse still, I don't get why Mr Lim wants to find me outside the GO at 10am today but seriously it makes me awfully anxious for me to wait here like this. Being released out of English 45 minutes earlier didn't help much in soothing this awful sensation. Gosh my emotions are bursting now seriously. Ohhhh and yeah, I can't believe I actually left my mobile phone at home today I feel so handicapped now. And then tonight, just when I had the drive the do something at home, there's that SEP briefing and my piano practice at 8+pm. Damn, everything that could go wrong went wrong. Murphy's law. It hurts. And I hope it ends soon. I need a miracle.

PS. Ranting in progress.

Alright so all the fun's over now it's back to work. Hmphhhh. So yeah, I've seen 3 pretty interesting competitions lately and I guess I might as well list it here for me to keep track since I'll probably forget it soon enough or say in 3 years time. :3

• Cool ideas for HDB towns: 31st July 2013
• Metropolis magazine Workplace of the future: 31st July 2013
• Young architect's competition - 'Post quake visions': 1st September 2013, 11th November 2013

So yeah. July's gonna be a busy month. And argh. School orchestra practices are starting tomorrow so it's time to savour my last sem in this dear CCA. :3 But that also means I have to work ohh so hard to perform well in NDP and combined concert. =O Jiayous me. OuO

Can someone please teach me what is love? Nope not the cheesy kind but yeah. To friends, families and all those who matter to me. What does it take to love? Or perhaps, what does it take to sacrifice for love? What kind of sacrifices anyways? The superficial things that I do, over the genuine ones. Or am I just overthinking?;-;

What kind of life am I living? The 3 things that I love the most, I had to abandon one due to fate and another, well, kinda due to fate too. And my family time, how I push everything aside, not participating in any of the ongoing conversation. Why live, why work? I don't even know anymore. Gosh. Just kill me now.

It hurts really.

Sometimes to me, it seems like life as an animal (the more spoilt kind) would be rather carefree, relaxed and more peaceful. Well I'm not saying that it's nice to be a deer that's constantly threatened by a lion as food. But really, my life as it is right now as so much redundant practices and routines. As I've probably umpteen times this week, I'm guess I really not living life nor enjoying work. That's why choosing a career matters I guess. But really, if there's anything, I'd sacrifize whatever it takes to get a job where I can really enjoy. Not even the one that pays the most or the one that I love. But simply the I that I can not be stressed in. OnO The fun. (:

Two most stressful word documents for me. SSC report and CERN reflections. Damn.

Cornell's further and further away from my reach. Based on my born character, I should really just enjoy next sem with meaningful activities, games and initiatives and just enter somewhere easier. Perhaps SCIArc? Or just NUS? I don't know really. NUS's a pretty pleasant choice for me. After all, if I do well, I can always go to Harvard for my masters. That'll be so much easier. Haiz. Why am I pushing so hard for? I guess it's really just the determination to beat challenges that I've already set out to do. Haiz. The fact that my end in mind is always ohh so ambitious. To think about it, even if I were to get SCIArc (even even even if I get Cornell), would I really go? NUS. Sounds like a nice home doesn't it? Gosh. Ohh well. I guess, "when things are unclear, just keep walking forward." There's nothing much I can do other than to work hard now.

PS. Ranting pleasures.

Today's a pretty interesting day for me. But as in the neutral kinda interesting, not the happy kind hahas. :3 Well I did quite a lot of things today but there's just no work that I can strike off my list. So that's pretty demoralizing. The haze was pretty at the start but now, as Im typing amidst the 200+PSI, I'm feeling a bit of sinus and asthma coming into me. :/ And yeah, I guess I'm kinda like forcing myself to work harder since I've got a well deserved break at CERN and Im not like one or two of the rest who actually worked during breaks at CERN. I just rested entirely. So yeah, all this work's going at a good pace but I guess I'm already feeling a little lethargic. I guess it's just too routine hahas. And I need some magic to happen to spice up my life. Haiz. ;-; Ohhh well. I suppose I've got no choice but to work hard toward dreams lo. Things dont just happen out of nothing. =P Cliche max. OuO

PS. Magic to spice up my life. This is in coherence with the things that I want that I've mentioned in my previous blog post. Things like an internship with URA, Im really jealous as to how others actually got that chance. ;-; And then there's also that public display initiative that I've been planning to do since forever. My last chance would be this sem. And there's just so much hopes, dream and most importantly stakes that I'm putting into this last sem, that I'm worried as to how my expectations will all just turn into a mountain pile of disappointment. Im really worried. Perhaps I should comfort myself as to how I can still implement this in uni or in real life? Idk tbh. This magical thing called high school. It's ending in the blink of an end. Ohhh well. Opps. Seems like I digressed quite a bit with this postscript. Alright. I pray for the best. SMILE!(:

A wishful pursuit of an infatuation in time

 

With the blessing of your fresh pair of eyes,

Ironic how it blinds my future, my sights.

Lost amidst the music that brings in the dreams,

During the night when the yearning begins.

 

Got no clue of what you really see,

On the verge of anxiety, you put me.

Over this thing that was never mine,

Sinful acts that would really make me cry.

Enter a name that fits in this line.

 

Clinging to that hope for a miracle,

Happy honestly with the way things are.

As I patiently wait for nothing again,

Someday who knows what will change.

Ending not as a wild goose chase.

I am useless.
I am dispensable.
I am nothing.

Which means. My involvement in everything that I do actually doesnt matter if I werent there. How nice. Be it a meal, a work, a hangout, a project or a conversation.

People always asks me what I want and if I want. But no it doesnt work that way. If I even mattered, you would want me instead so much so that I dont even need to make a choice.

In conclusion, I am just an arrogant bastard. And a social failure too.